What Do You Do with a Blank Saturday?

RUNNING MONKEY (the self-styled future king of the Headland) does a review of MB106

With the football being bloody awful over the last three games, instead of poring over the BBC SPORT replays of our lack of success, I declined to watch some abysmal tackling and woeful shooting with nil points at the end. Having time to waste I decided to run the rule over the new electronic Bizz and be inspired. 

Central Park 

- or to give it its real name, The Cement Works, a green belt of land between West View and God's acre that has never been built on because it is sinking rapidly. They say that on a very quiet night if you went to the centre spot on the footy pitch and put your ear to the ground you could hear the tide going out.

Central Park seemed like a sensible chap He purports to be a long suffering Pools fan and always claims ‘HIS’ spot next to the girder on the Town End, surrounded by his nodding-donkey mates who hang on his every word. Nothing wrong with that, we all have our favourite place to sit or stand, and you just have to suffer whoever comes to stand next to you. In truth this feller doesn’t know he is born - a lift to and from the game by his wife(!) to save him the “stress”, when he only has to fall out of bed and he is at the Vic. 

Once in the ground he expects the PA system to be turned down, as it is too noisy - his mates can’t hear his pontificating. He ridiculed his daughter’s boyfriend because he was a “Mackem”. If he was that bothered he should have brought his daughter up proper instead of getting her mixed up with a Mackem. He proceeded to whinge about his experience of BR and oh the stress of having to walk to the Stadium of Blight once he alighted from the sardine tin of a carriage at the Sunderland station. He then had to sit through a Chelsea warm up game. As he no idea this is why we Poolies are superior fans to the corporate Prem Shi* supporters. Why on earth did he not go that extra mile and support the lads who were only up the road at Carlisle? I have no sympathy for Mr Whingey of Hartlepool.

Ed Parkinson

Ed, Eddie, or Edie? This writer is new to me. One of the setbacks of going global with the Bizz is you never know who or where the contributors are coming from. They don’t stand on the terrace with you. Ed even claims in his first sentence that he won’t be at the match - he is busy sorting the French out. He might just be a canny lad who has got on a bit and forgotten his roots. He sounds as if he speaks a bit of Simian but he is a terrible namedropper. His one saving grace is that he was at Defeathams when Joe Joe stripped his shirt off, and when the mighty Effion put paid to the Doyles in their own over sized back yard. So he can’t be all bad.

Poolie in Nottingham

See what I mean about the global Bizz, Nottingham? What a bunch of robbers this lot are, claiming to be Poolies and it takes them ten weeks into the season to come and see their first home game at the Vic. Glory hunters doesn’t come into it. Unbeaten home or away in nine games and they turn up and put the bloody mockers on it. They turn up decked in their blue and white like they have never been away. It’s the kids I feel sorry for, brainwashed at three and a half years old, dragged screaming to the pub before the game. Honestly if I see them turn up again I am straight on to social services.

KT Poolie

Another fan I have no recollection of meeting. Male or female I have no idea, just going on the name KT it is probably a female that watches too much televised football. Knows all the clichéd sayings and drops them throughout the article like confetti. My guess is, judging by the spelling of some of the names he/she spent most of their school life behind the bike sheds with a fag or two.

Billy’s Contract

Another aging rocker living in the past, can you imagine the average age of the audience at the Sage and what a strange taste in music he has.

Grandad Shouty

What can you say about him apart from he always talks a lot of sense and we should respect our elders especially when he is near enough my age?

Ed Parkinson

Ed is back, this time he redeems himself big time with one statement. “I always make sure he wears his POOLS shirt for the match”. Memo to editor. How come he gets two articles in the Bizz and I have been here longer than him.

Billy’s Contract

Another double article. How come during a lifetime you meet so many people who are favoured. Well that should be the end of his reign, asking for Pools to falter in their record run so he could have a moan about it. I blame the substances used these days. Hallucinating about mythical places while trying to find his way home. No wonder he gets the “giddy yonks. On top of that he claims we are all illegitimate Poolies. Is it any wonder he got beat up three times in a fortnight when he came to the Headland, He was probably thought to be another spy ready to expose the Headland People’s Republic for their arms build up. The very thing we on the Headland want to keep quiet about is the very place its self. Why on earth would you want strangers walking round poking their noses in where they are not wanted? Yes we are proud of our heritage so bugger off and don’t come back till you are invited.

This piece got left out of MB107 by mistake, but as it was referring specifically to MB106, we didn't think we should hold it over for MB108.